Tuesday, January 11, 2011

It Takes Work

I'm going to be completely honest....I've been kind of a mess lately. I don't know if it's because of these long awful winter days or what, but I've been pretty mopey. I have been extremely emotional about me and J's relationship, not because anything is really wrong but because it has changed and will continue to change for the rest of our lives and for some reason right now I'm emotional about it. The source of the "problem" is really just time. I work three jobs and volunteer with my sorority. J works two jobs and plays basketball two nights a week. When I'm not at Coffee Buzz, J is and vice versa. We have one day off together (Sunday) and that's when football is on and most of the time all I want to do is catch up on sleep. Then the spare nights we do have is either spent sleeping or going out with friends.

Then there's our other interests, for me it's my TV shows, this blog, reading and planning our wedding. J spends his time with his million fantasy sports teams and playing Magic cards (yes, it's super nerdy and I absolutely hate it, but I'd rather him do that then gamble his money playing poker or spend his time at a strip club, or whatever it is guys do.) I have tried doing fantasy sports to be involved and have a common interest, but I don't like it and I will certainly not get on board with playing Magic. So I got upset. I'm sick of not having time with my fiance and I'm sick of his spare time being spent doing things I have no interest in.

Relationships take work. A lot of work. I am not naive of that, I've never thought that this was going to be a walk in the park. We not only need to make time for each other we need to work on ourselves and our relationship. I need to work on my patience and focusing on the good things. I need to thank J for taking such good care of me and working so hard and not freak out because there's gum wrappers EVERYWHERE or beard hair in the sink. And J needs to work on his stubbornness and need to always be right.

After my break down we made a plan. We decided we can make plans with family and/or friends one night of the weekend but the other night is for us and only us. Every weekend we will have a date night, we'll alternate deciding what to do and paying for the date. AND, we can't use our cell phones. They go silent or stay home so we're not interrupted or distracted. I am so excited about this. I love knowing that at least once a week I will have quality time with my fiance and I won't have to share him. It made me feel so good when J came up with this plan (yes, it was his idea) because I knew that my feelings were being validated and accepted and the problem was being fixed. This is what being in a grown up relationship is all about. You have to communicate your feelings and they need to be taken seriously, problems need to be worked on and success and change needs to be celebrated. J and I will never have that beginning of a relationship excitement again, our relationship will continue to change. But, what we will have is a lifetime of learning about each other and sharing in all of life's excitement....the first time we buy a house, kids, grandkids, etc. If we keep on working like we've been working the past 3 years we're going to be in GREAT shape.

15 comments:

  1. It absolutely takes work. Your plan sounds like a really good one.. and just keep in mind that it may be tough now, especially with being so busy, but you're in the process of building a life and a future together. It can only get better from here :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love this post because it hit SO home with me. I am going through this exact thing at this exact time with my husband. I find that I get annoyed at the littlest of things and his fantasy football has taken over our relationship. We believe in date nights too, even if it just means that the tv is off and we're drinking a bottle of wine at home on the couch. Snuggling is date night enough for me! Good luck with everything, and know that you're not alone :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I definitely think it takes a lot of work... but your plan sounds great! My fiance and I have been doing the regular date night at least once a week for a few years now and it works really well for us. We sometimes like to have 'free' date night's too like going to barnes and noble to read magazines, and our other date night is on the weekend going out to dinner or making a nice dinner together at home, watch a movie, etc. It seems like now more than ever we are constantly busy, but we are making eachother a priority and never too busy for eachother :) Enjoy your date nights!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey hun!

    my boyfriend and I are the exact same. We've been dating 4 years and this past year has been the hardest.

    we were in college together which was great because we always saw eachother, didn't have jobs to worry about, etc. But now we both have full time jobs, I have my shows I love to watch, love going to the gym, he likes working on his computer/car, etc so we dont always have the same type of time we used to have together

    it is kind of sad, but it also brings you closer when you DO have that special time together! A fun thing we do is we'll go to bed, but stay up talking for like half an hour about nothingness, play 20 questions, play would you rather, etc. You'll make it through hunny bun!

    oxoxox keep your head up! you've got a wedding to plan!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I totally recommend date nights :) So wonderful that you guys worked it out. That's what love is :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. good plan lady! try not to let all the stresses of life get to you when you have someone you LOVE to come home to! sounds like you're a busy girl but your plan sounds great! best wishes to you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  7. girl you are not the only one!! everything you wrote I felt like i was reading my diary or something!! matt and i work completely opposite schedules and our free time is so consumed with sleep/friends/family it's hard to remember to make time for ourselves. it's so stressful and planning for a wedding adds so much!

    sounds like you guys have reined it in and I think the plan will definitely work for you both!! good luck sister!!

    ps my man is obsessed w/sports and fantasy teams and my sister's bf plays in magic tournaments monthly. you're not alone!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Everyone... settle down, relax, go with the flow, no big deal, quit analyzing, accept everyone is different, stop the anxiety business, enjoy, laugh, don't stress about the little stuff, be thankful for what you got! It all can be gone in an instance! Thank God for what you got!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I remember feeling this way when I was in the peak of all our wedding planning! It's totally understandable since you have so much going on. You guys will bounce right back and you will LOVE being married. I never really though it would "feel" different since we've been together so long, but lately I've come to realize it does and it's wonderful! :) You have so much to look forward to!

    ReplyDelete
  10. It may sound awful, but I think my husband and I need to implement this date night w/no cells! Perfect idea. :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. The beard hairs in the sink - that one drives me NUTS!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. That sounds like a good plan!! I might steal your idea because we need some alone time too!

    ReplyDelete
  13. this is a wonderful plan! good luck with all of your ideas!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Such a great idea. I especially like the part about no cell phones!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Great idea! Me and my fiance need to do the same!

    ReplyDelete

Your comments make my day! So leave some....