This Past Week

Last Tuesday, April 12 in the early hours of the morning, God called my grandma to Heaven and she peacefully obeyed. It was Parkinson's Disease that forced her from this world sooner than what should have been but knowing that her soul is freed from a body that hurt for so many years is comforting despite the sadness I am feeling. 

My family is incredibly close and I have always had a very special bond with my grandma, so this news sent a pain through me like I have never felt and a sadness I have never known. My mom and stepdad, aunt and uncle, cousin and brother were all able to arrive in Denver to be by my grandpa's side, grieve together and arrange the details of my grandma's funeral. I, at nearly 38 weeks pregnant, was unable to do so. I saw the first doctor I could get in to and prayed for some miracle chance to be able to join my family - even if for only 24 hours. Unfortunately, because of the progress I have already made, the changes in air pressure when flying and the altitude change in Denver they couldn't sign off on letting me travel (and the airlines wouldn't let me on without a doctor's permission). 

My family tried to make me feel included and keep me up-to-date on all that was happening in Denver but despite the effort there was nothing to be done that came close to actually being there. It was an indescribable loneliness and missing my grandma's funeral and that time spent with my family is something that will likely hurt forever. 

I've said a lot of different prayers over the past week and the first few days was begging God for some kind of clarity or insight on His plan for timing this the way that He did. Very late one of the first nights I was scrolling through Pinterest, staring at the images on my phone with no real connection to what they were, very mindlessly eating up the long hours of the sleepless night and then this stood out to me:

I instantly thought of the last time I talked to my grandma...she asked me if I would send her a picture of the baby after he was born. This cracked me up because of course I would, she didn't need to ask. As hard as this timing has been, I now get to have my grandma with me on the day my son is born and she doesn't have to wait for a picture, instead she gets to be the very first to see his face. Not only that, this little boy will provide joy for myself and my family who are all hurting. It's a new life and a new addition, one who will carry my grandma's spirit. 

The strength and comfort come and go and are quickly replaced with sadness and hurt. I'm grieving the loss of my grandma while feeling excited to meet my baby at any time now. The mix of emotions is incredibly difficult and very confusing. 

I appreciate so much the words of sympathy and comfort you have all shared over the past week. I'm so grateful to have the incredible people in my life that I do and I promise I have read, been touched by and appreciate every last word you have sent my way.