Baby Talk :: Accepting the Drought

Happy Tuesday mamas....it's time for another addition of BABY TALK!

Here's the rules:
{1} Write a post on ANYTHING baby related...pregnancy, parenting, products, stories, advice, you name it!
{2} Grab this button and put it somewhere, anywhere in your post!

{3} Publish your post on Tuesday!

{4} Come back and enter your post in the super neat link-up tool found at the bottom of every Baby Talk post.
{5} Check back and read the other blogs who have linked up!

Easy as pie!

-----------

As I'm sitting here thinking of how to write this post I have tears welling up in my eyes. This shouldn't be a sad post, but it's making me feel that way.

A little over a month ago I started to notice a severe decrease in the amount of breast milk I was pumping each day at work. Since returning to work just six weeks after Kenley was born I have been pumping 15-20oz each day. Kenley goes through three 5oz bottles while with her grandparents during the day, so I was pumping just enough to get her through plus a little more to store.

I think everything started to go down hill after our trip to Colorado in February. I emptied our entire breast milk supply for the trip because 1. We needed it so that I didn't have to be bound to the baby and could enjoy my vacation and 2. because I assumed I'd have no issues re-stocking the freezer when we got home.

Since then it seems every day is a bigger challenge than the day before...in the breast feeding department that is. It's been a slow progression but where we stand now I am only pumping 1-3oz while at work. ONE to THREE ounces a day. In THREE pumping sessions. Obviously, that's not enough to feed Kenley during the day so we've had to supplement formula. In addition to that, my supply is SHOT by the end of the day. I tried and tried to nurse Kenley when I'd get home from work but she would work so hard for nothing which would send her in to hysteria which of course sent me in to hysteria.

Of course, I took to the web to do some research. I needed to find out what was causing this decrease and what I could do to fix it.

The common causes are as follows:
-Fatigue
-Illness
-Caffeine
-Smoking
-Alcohol
-Medications
-Stress
-Herbs & Spices
-Birth Control Pills
-Pregnancy
-Diet & Hydration

My baby has been sleeping through the night since she was 5 weeks old, so I couldn't blame fatigue. Caffeine makes me sick so if I have any it's in small amounts. I don't smoke. I have an occasional cocktail but I don't think enough to have an effect. I'm not on ANY medication (not even taking any advil). The only stress in my life is this low milk supply. I use some spices in cooking but I can't imagine adding oregano to my spaghetti sauce is causing this decrease. I am not on the pill and I am certainly not pregnant. So, I figured that the cold I had for three weeks and my diet / hydration had to be the culprits.

So then I looked up what to do to increase my supply:
-Increase nursing sessions
-Pump more frequently
-Drink more water
-Eat a balanced diet
-Eat a lot of Oatmeal
-Take Fenugreek supplements

I did all of it. Everything. I took three Fenugreek vitamins a day, counted calories and chose healthier food options, downloaded an app to track my water intake, pumped three times a day at work and added a pumping session before bed, nursed Kenley on both sides at every feeding I could, tried more skin to skin contact and ate a shit ton of Oatmeal.

It didn't work. 

You guys, I can't even tell you how many times I've cried over this. I felt like my body was failing me and that I am failing my baby. I would actually get sick to my stomach feeding Kenley formula.

You don't have to tell me how irrational this sounds because I know, believe me, I know it's ridiculous. I know that I was able to exclusively nurse my baby for nearly 6 months despite all the issues I had in the beginning. I know that I did the best I could and my baby is thriving because of it. AND, most of all, I know that formula isn't poison and that billions of perfectly healthy babies rely on formula every day. I know. I know it all. But still it all made me feel so sad.

I don't know why there has been this stigma or pressure or expectation put upon moms about breastfeeding. It wasn't too long ago that breastfeeding was frowned upon and formula was the recommended source of nutrition.

The point of this is that I am sad that I have come to this crossroads. I am not mentally or emotionally ready to be done breastfeeding but for some reason my body is putting on the breaks. I had to talk all of this through with Carolyn {she's my person} and I asked her....do I stop before I'm ready or do I continue to bust my ass to increase my supply, and per usual, she gave me the best advice:

"a non-stressed mommy is more important for Kenley than formula vs breast milk"

and she is so, so right. Trying to fight through this is just going to stress me out and disappoint me, and that's not what I need OR what Kenley needs.

I also reached out to my friend Andrea whose son, Vincent, is 10 months old. She had pretty much the same issue as me and was a huge help! She had the same feelings I was feeling but after giving in and realizing it was time to stop she was doing great and feeling great and she said something that I will forever remember and share with my breastfeeding friends,

"You've done a huge, great thing for Kenley by getting this far and no one will ever be able to tell on the 1st day of Kindergarten which babies were breastfed for 6 months, a year or not at all.  You're going to do so much for her throughout the years so don't worry if this didn't turn out exactly how you wanted. "

I think what I needed more than anything was someone who understood how important this was to me to listen and to tell me it was OK. {thanks friends!}

Even though it was hard and emotional to stop, I've got to say not breastfeeding is pretty nice! I finally feel, after 15 months, that my body belongs to me again. I loved growing my little nugget and loved breastfeeding but it's nice to be able to count calories again, not feel guilty having a glass of wine or three and to NOT have to be hooked up to that damn pump for an hour a day is pretty amazing!