Mentally Preparing for Two Kids

A LOT, and I mean A LOT, of thoughts go through a pregnant woman's mind every day. Many are irrational, many are legitimate and many we are just glad no one else can hear. I thought that with the second pregnancy my mind would relax a bit as I now know what to expect when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth and the whole newborn thing but that's not really the case. 

This time around I am in such a better place emotionally, despite my hormones. With Kenley I was working full time out of the home at a job that really was just not for me. It impacted my life A LOT and required me to return to the office just 6 weeks after Kenley was born. It was hard and stressful and did a number on me during those precious, chaotic and cloudy first weeks that are tough as it is. While I know transitioning from one to two will be far from a breeze, I feel so much more relaxed knowing I have a job that's flexible and a boss who is family. Of course, feeling more relaxed doesn't mean that I don't worry and stress about what life will be like. I think of what a production it is to get out of the house with just one very competent three year old and I don't know how we're ever going to leave with two. I worry about my time management. I worry about having a fussy baby. I worry about being home all day with two kids, alone. ALL DAY. ALONE. I worry about never losing the baby weight. I worry about having a healthy baby. I worry about my marriage , not because I don't think we can handle it but because I want to be sure Jason and I have quality time together and don't lost sight of the US.  I worry about getting Bells Palsy again. I worry about finances. I worry about breastfeeding. I worry about losing my damn mind, which maybe I already have.

Call me crazy, call me naive but one thing I don't worry about is Kenley adjusting. Welcoming this new baby boy will require a transition phase for all three of us as obviously we will have to adapt to a new daily life. I know there will be highs and lows and I anticipate struggles here and there. BUT, I do not worry for one second about Kenley feeling jealous or resentful or behaving negatively as a result of her brother. We have been talking to her since day 1 about the things that baby will do, how things will be different, etc. She is SO EXCITED about this baby. She is also such a little helper. Kenley would honestly rather spend her day out running errands or helping me clean the house than she would playing with her toys. Of course, she'll have to play nicely with her toys when baby comes, which she does now, she just prefers to be by my side doing whatever it is that I am doing. So I'm anticipating a little shadow who is just happy and excited to be a part of her baby's life. Maybe I'm way off base but I feel like I know my kid, know that she's secure and happy and know that she will transition with little issue. I guess time will tell. But for now, this is one thing that just does not appear on the worry list. 

My biggest worry, does include Kenley however. I'm a planner and not being able to have a set plan is hard for me. But, truly, there is just no possible way to know when and how labor will go down {unless I have a planned c-section which currently doesn't seem at all necessary} so all I can do is have a basic plan set and hope that everything works out, which seems so easy to most of you I'm sure but when you are Type-A the "hope for the best" notion prompts serious anxiety. I just have this fear {potentially and probably an irrational one} that I will go into labor or my water will break and it will play out like a movie scene where everything happens super fast and Kenley will be here watching me scream bloody murder and will become terrified and scarred for life and will resent her baby brother for causing her mother so much pain. OK, irrational, definitely irrational. I KNOW that labor doesn't happen that fast. I KNOW that our parents are ready to be on call and will come get Kenley as soon as we need them to. I KNOW that I have two incredible girlfriends who have offered to come to the rescue if we get in a bind. I KNOW that Kenley is super go-with-the-flow and won't be at all rattled about being shipped off somewhere on the fly. This is just the thing that keeps me up at night as my mind runs through all the scenarios and possibilities. 

Before I got pregnant, I assumed I would have a hard time accepting the fact that Kenley isn't my baby anymore and would be emotional about adding a second kiddo but that hasn't really been the case. Kenley is so independent and smart that I kind of feel like she hasn't been my "baby" for a while now. Of course, she will ALWAYS be my baby but I am just so stinkin' excited about this baby boy that I feel completely at ease about their positions in my heart. If anything, I am overwhelmed with positive emotions and often find myself crying at the thought of seeing Kenley holding her baby brother or the thought of Kenley getting to have with Ziggy what I have with my brother.

I guess that's it. This post kind of went nowhere but it feels good to just let it flow out of my fingertips. And now is the time where you all tell me I'm not crazy. I'm not, right? I probably am. But just lie to me.