I'll Never Know

On Monday I wrote this post:

This Saturday we went up north to J's mom and step-dad's to celebrate my future mother-in-law's birthday.  J's parents have a huge property complete with a barn for their 4 horses, 2 goats and 80 cats. Well, not quite 80, but their original cat General Lee has been quite the little skank. Since bringing her home a year ago General Lee has had 4 litters of kittens. The most recent litter was born just four weeks ago, so we had to go see them.

These kittens were so tiny and so cute. I instantly became attached to the runt (I've always been a sucker for the runts of the litter....I blame Charlotte's Web). He was a teeny tiny little all black kitchen with blue eyes. He was so cold out in the barn so I did the natural thing, and put him in my pocket and snuck him back to the house. Jason and I grabbed him a little chunk of cat food and some milk and gave him what was probably his first meal. His first meal not fighting 10 other cats for it at least. Because he is all black and because we own a coffee shop, we named him Mocha. We spent the next 12 hours with him and fell completely in love. Bailey loved him too. 

When it came time to head home, I had a decision to make. I needed to decide whether or not to bring Mocha home. I know J wants a cat and Bailey would love a friend, but I'm allergic. I did fine around him but he's also tiny. What happens when he's full grown? I decided I didn't care, we'd just figure it out and we could always bring him back to the barn. Lisa gave us some cat food and made a tiny little litter box for him and we were on our way. About a mile down the road I started to panic. Did I really want another pet? I know cats are low maintenance but that's more food to buy, more stuff to clean and one more body in our small townhouse to take care of. Plus, what if my allergies didn't go away? I would be miserable, in my own home. So J turned around and we returned Mocha to the barn where he came from.

I feel sick today. I don't know if I made the right choice. I know I don't want another pet, I don't want more responsibility or more expenses. I don't want to chance the allergies. But, I miss that little kitten. I got really attached to him and he was already following me around and cuddling with me. I feel bad that he had a chance to live in a warm home instead of a cold barn. I feel bad that he got a taste of the good life just to be brought back. I know Lisa & Deward take great care of those cats....but he's so small and it's so cold up there. What if he doesn't make it? I'll never forgive myself. Part of me just wants to drive up there and bring him home and part of me knows I did what I needed to do. I think of his tiny black face and the tiny little purring sound he was already making and I get sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

I let my head talk me in to believing I had made the right decision, but in my heart I knew I would end up with that kitten as a pet. I knew before the week was done Mocha would be home living with us where he belonged.

By the time I wrote this blog post on Monday morning...Mocha had passed away.

Lisa (J's mom) called J with the news at 7am and J waited until we were together right before bed to tell me. I was furious that he kept this from me but realize now that I needed him by my side when I heard the news. I was filled with sadness and guilt. I instantly blamed myself thinking that if I would have brought him home he would have survived.

On Sunday, when we turned around and brought him back, Lisa and Deward returned him to the barn where he lived before I fell in love with him. A few hours later, Deward was out in the barn when he noticed Mocha wasn't doing too well. Deward brought him back in to the house where they fed him, let him use the litter box we had made and gave him some tender loving care. Lisa held him and pet him until he fell asleep, but he never woke up. There is no way of knowing what caused Mocha's life to be shortened....it could have been a number of things, but I will never know if I made the right choice by bringing him back that Sunday afternoon.

After tears of heartbreak and remorse I told myself that the last day of Mocha's life was a happy one. He was warm, his tummy was full and he was loved by me, J and Bailey along with Lisa and Deward. It breaks my heart that this tiny little innocent kitten was taken at only 4 weeks old. I loved him instantly and only wish I could have had more time as his mom.