{Guest Mama}: Baby Two (Raw and Honest)

When Mateya sent me this post I knew in a second I had to share it. This is an extremely honest post about having a second baby, an unplanned second baby at that. I admire how real Mateya is and I also can totally relate. No, I'm not preggo with #2 but I already have these same fears and we haven't even started to think about a second child yet. I'm sure some of you mamas can also relate, so check it out.

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Hi there! My name is Mateya and you can find me at The Best is Yet to Come. I'm a military(ish) wife to Robbie and mom to our busy little boy, Hayden and Baby #2 who will be joining our family in early July! In my spare time (what's that?!) I enjoy running and circuit training, shopping, spending time with my girlfriends, and enjoying life as a family of three (soon to be four)! 

{Post written 11/12/13)

ETA: I wrote this post a week after I found out I was pregnant again and it is a very honest post, written from my heart.  As time has gone on, the Lord really has worked on my heart and I am so excited to be welcoming a new miracle into our family.

It has taken me exactly one week from the moment I found out about baby number two to write this post. 

Reality still has not set it. I have many moments I forget that it’s really true.

When I went in to check the results of the test, deep down inside, I already knew the answer, but when I saw the two pink lines I still couldn’t believe it.  There was no way. How could this be? (ok I know how this could be, but still). I JUST had a baby! Hayden. What about Hayden?

As I turned around to leave the bathroom, there he was with the biggest smile on his face, my sweet boy. I picked him up and squeezed him so hard and tears fell from my eyes.  My baby isn’t going to be my baby anymore.  This is why I wasn’t ready.

Over the last week I have had moments where I get so mad at myself because I know how incredibly lucky and blessed we are to be having another baby and I am ashamed that I haven’t been anything but overjoyed. But this is the truth. I am terrified. Hayden is my world and I am just having the hardest time imagining anyone else in that world right now. I don’t want him to fall to the back burner and I don’t want to miss out on anything with him because I’ll be taking care of a newborn. 

Yesterday I watched our friends baby and Hayden did not like it at all.  He cried every time the baby cried and I had to hold the baby.  He did not share well at all and he just struggled with me giving attention to the baby. I know this is normal, but it was just like a huge reality check because this is what it will be like in 9 months and it won’t be for just one day. It’ll be the new normal.

I know Hayden will be older and we will all have had time to prepare ourselves, but right now I’m just struggling between being absolutely terrified and being excited. I’ll have one moment where I think about Hayden being a big brother to either a little brother or sister and I just smile or how exciting it’ll be to meet a new person that Robbie and I created, but then I’ll have a moment where I get so sad thinking about my days of just Hayden coming to an end.

I don’t know why it’s been so hard on me.  People have more than one child all the time. And I KNOW everyone says that you don’t understand how you can love another child like your first, but somehow you just DO.

We knew that we wanted to have another baby someday, but our hearts or maybe our minds just weren’t ready.  Maybe this is God’s way of reminding us that He is in control.

I do believe that God’s timing is perfect and as hard as it is for me to see right now, I know that this baby was created for a reason and I trust that the Lord has already begun preparing our hearts for this new miracle.

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."
Psalm 139:13-16

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To submit a guest post, email me at mamaandmou@gmail.com

Oh, Just a Lil Surprise!

I'M PREGNANT!

On Friday March 2^nd I was driving home from work so excited for the weekend because I had a special date planned for Jason. I had rented a cabin in Northern Minnesota and booked a wine tasting at the resort. For some strange reason (a reason I now know was God) I felt this sudden urge to take a pregnancy test. I remember thinking to myself “if by some off chance I am pregnant I don’t want to spend the whole weekend drinking.” So I got home around 4:30pm and took a test. I had two leftover from a previous post-honeymoon scare—turns out eating and drinking non-stop for 6 days in a foreign country gives you very similar symptoms to pregnancy.

Anyways, I took the test and immediately saw two pink lines.

I really wish I could remember my exact reaction, but seeing as Bailey was the only one with me and she doesn’t speak I will never truly know how coo-coo the next 60 minutes were.

The first thing I did upon seeing the double line was run downstairs to the computer to google what caused a false positive…turns out, not a lot. But, one culprit was an expired test, which just had to be it. I ran back upstairs, checked the test: Expires May 2013. I then proceed to chug two full glasses of water and take the second test: two pink lines.

This is where I really lost it. I throw Bailey in the car and the two of us run to Walgreens and purchase two more pregnancy tests (two different brands, I might add) and a Vitamin Water. I chug the Vitamin Water on the car ride home and promptly take the next two tests, one of which displayed a plus sign and the other:

One of the few things I do remember about all of this (because I am very confident I blacked out) was standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror and thinking “I’m pregnant.”

Then I got dizzy and had to sit down.

I called Jason who was on his way home from work and as calmly as possible said “when will you be home?” He was stopping at his dad’s to get firewood, so I knew it would be a while.

After about 20 minutes of not being able to stand it any longer I called him again and more frantically asked him when he would be home. He was just minutes away, so I told him to come right inside when he got home (opposed to unloading the firewood—which makes him sound like a lumberjack,  but he’s not) to which he responded,

“You’re creepy.”

Finally after what felt like an eternity of sitting in the dark and staring at the wall (no joke, that’s what I did), Jason came home. I met him at the door, grabbed his hand and said,

“I need to show you something.”

After leading him up to the bathroom it didn’t take long for him to see the four positive pregnancy tests lined up on the counter.

Everything from here once again goes dark. I know he didn’t say anything, so I began to yell at him to say something, and then I’m pretty sure I lost it. I cried in his chest saying things similar to…

“I’m not ready.”

“It’s too soon.”

“I’m scared.”

“We just got married.”

I won’t lie, I had a panic attack. But then my darling husband calmed me down (as he always does) simply by saying,

“Toot, this is our chance.”

Since being diagnosed with endometriosis in high school I have had a constant fear of not being able to conceive. Though it was sooner than I had planned and though I may not be entirely ready, God has a plan and He believes that Jason and I are ready for a baby and not only that, I am able to conceive and that by itself is the greatest blessing.